Day..too many: Ugh '~'

So it's been forever and ever since I blogged. I keep meaning too but I usually do it around bedtime and lately, been trying to get as much rest as I can. The girls have been sick off and on for the past two weeks and I feel like I'm coming down with something now. Aurora didn't get too bad, but poor Annabelle got a really bad fever along with the cold. Lots of stuff has been happening, Aurora is saying lots of words now and when she doesn't say real words, she is babbling like crazy. Both she and Annabelle want to be big kids so bad. Most of the kids in the neighborhood are a little older and the girls follow them around like puppy dogs. Annabelle is coming into her own as a big sister and she's really good at it. Let me back up and give you a tiny bit of Annabelle history. She has been scared of the vacuum cleaner for a long time. When she was tiny, she would need to be picked up, now, she just jumps up on the furniture. She is so scared of it that if I have it out, she will give it a wide berth to avoid getting anywhere near it. Now, with that in mind, Aurora is blissfully ignorant to the terrors of the vacuum, she giggles and crawls or walks around it while I'm vacuuming. So the other day, I was vacuuming the floor and Annabelle jumps up in a chair in her usual style and Aurora just stays on the floor, laughing her butt off. Annabelle, seeing her sister in imminent peril, immediately starts shouting warnings to her baby sister, telling her to "watch out!" and "run/get away!" and "oh no sissy!" Her sister, being oblivious to the apparent danger, continues to toddle about, happy as can be. Realizing the little one would not heed her, Annabelle then makes the split-second decision to protect her sissy from the monster that is the vacuum. So, she leaps heroically from her chair and puts herself between the hideous creature and her baby sister, putting her arms up to corral her and make sure she doesn't come to any harm. And, to Annabelle, that is the equivalent of an adult standing in between a snarling grizzly bear and another person. She didn't overcome her fear as she still jumps up on the furniture when I vacuum, but she still makes sure that Aurora is thoroughly safe anytime I do. Just one of several adorable acts of big sisterhood she has undertaken. She is constantly bringing her sister along with her to include her in her activities. We decorated the Christmas tree a few weeks back and Annabelle was helping Aurora pick out ornaments and finding the perfect spot to hang them (and subsequently, every day since, they "un-decorate" and "re-decorate" the tree as they see fit). When we have our meals all together, Annabelle is always trying to share her food and feed her sister. I really pray that this close comraderie continues to stay and grow stronger as they get older. It is quite endearing and heartwarming to witness the sweetness between the two. Annabelle has also been a lot more vocal lately and her favorite phrases are "leave me alone", any sequence of counting, "I want to hug you", "I want to go outside", and "I love-a you." The last one is understandably my favorite. She is so sweet (the majority of the time) and is constantly giving hugs and kisses to her sister and I. I don't like seeing them sick, but it definitely brings out their sweeter sides. On another note, we have been readying ourselves for Christmas by decorating and wrapping presents. The stockings are filled and hung. The tree is trimmed and already has a few gifts under it. All of the presents in the house are wrapped and we only have a small few left to shop for. I've been trying to get Jayson's packages sent off but with the way I've been feeling lately, it hasn't happened yet. I'm feeling pretty stressed about it and getting everything he needs sent to him. I keep thinking I'm going to forget something or that what I'm sending isn't enough. My thoughts have been so scattered lately with getting all the bills taken care of, the girls being sick, me being sick, the daily household requirements, the dogs' needs, my computer issues, and any and everything else, I can't keep my head straight. I just need lots of prayer for peace of mind and focus because it's been very difficult to organize my thoughts and keep them where they need to be. Anyway, I'm going to try to get back into blogging more often because it is one of the things that helps me organize the thoughts I need to keep and discard the ones I don't. Thanks for listening, those of you that do, I really appreciate all your support. Hope all your holiday preparations are going well. :)

Day 25/26: it all sorta melts together...here is a poem

I cried myself to sleep this night
Without the warmth of you by my side
It's been almost a month since we both said farewell
And these 26 days have mostly been hell
You don't realize how much you need someone til they're gone
Or until you spend an entire week waiting anxiously by the phone
The smallest thoughts lead to my worst fears
I haven't cried this much in my 26 years
I miss you more than the tide misses the shore
That's probably why I'm always coming back for more
I sit and dream about the next time I'll hold you
And can't wait to stare deep into your eyes, so blue
You are my best friend and the love of my life
And I consider myself blessed to be called your wife
But this distance between us really tears me up
Like I'm still breathing, but I can't get enough
A soldier's wife has to be strong and brave
But only others like her know what she gave
It's not fair that we have to go through this
But I understand, and I know you must do it
You have a job to do and I know you'll do well
And what you're going through is worse, I can tell
But I couldn't be more prepared for this life
And yet I'm still struggling so much with the strife
I can't count the amount of tears that I've shed
If I'd bled as much, I'd surely be dead
Sometimes that's how I feel, being so far away so long
But I know we'll get through this, I can't be wrong
God gives me strength as do the girls, and you
And all our good friends are doing what they can do
It's just nights like these that make it so tough
And I feel for you, all alone, must be rough
So I try not to complain to you at all
And remind myself we'll be together, next fall
Until I see you again, I love you and kiss kiss
And know we're all praying for you, whom we miss
We can't wait to see you and hug you again
And now that's all my heart feels it can say, the end.

Day 21?..Losing count...

So life has kind of taken over and I can't quite keep up with my blog the way I wanted to and I've decided that's ok. Spending quality time with my girls and giving Jayson as much of my time as I can is more important to me. <<big sigh>> Today was a rough one. The morning started out stressful and apparently that was the theme the girls wanted to carry out for the day. But at the same token, they know exactly when I most need them. I definitely had a breakdown into tears tonight and Annabelle came over, took my hands, and just smiled at me. Then when I pulled her into a hug, she didn't pull away, just hugged me back and patted my back so sweetly. God has truly blessed her, and ultimately me, with a big heart. They are both growing so fast and get sweeter everyday. Even when they're trying my patience, they manage to be sweet and cute about it. We all miss Jayson so much but we're holding onto each other as often as possible and that seems to help. And I feel like there is so much that I want to say here but I've just got no energy and my mind goes blank when I try to grasp at thoughts. The only thought I'm able to get ahold of seems to be how much I miss him. I'm really trying to make this blog about the whole experience we're having with the deployment and not focus on the sadness and depression of it but today is just one of those days where I can't seem to stop crying. I will tell you one thing that the girls and I started a little while ago. Every night we turn everything in the house off and say prayers for Jayson. When we finish and say "Amen," we turn on a lantern that we place in our front window as a light to shine for Daddy to see his way back to us.

On another note, I practically gouged my eye out tonight on the corner of a cardboard box so that hurts. Got some fun surprises in the mail for me and the girls and another for dinner which really helped ease my stress (THANKS!!). And I definitely know why my girls are growing so fast, they can put food away like nobody's business. And I'm willing to bet that they could each go through a gallon of milk over the course of three days themselves. They must take after their Daddy.

Aaaaaand as I said, it's really been a long day so I think I'm gonna snuggle up with my Annabelle and try to go to sleep. Goodnight. I LOVE you Jayson!!!

Days 10-14: Trick or Treating, Care Packages, and Children Oh My!

Well, it's been awhile since I've blogged. I've been writing letters during the time I would usually blog, or going to bed earlier than usual because we've been so busy and I've been super exhausted. On Saturday the girls and I went trick-or-treating with the neighbors all around the neighborhood. Annabelle was Tinkerbell and Aurora was a pumpkin. Got TONS of candy and Annabelle had loads of fun. She even said "tick or tweet" at every house and was just generally adorable. Aurora kept herself plenty occupied just babbling along riding in the stroller. Annabelle walked almost the entire way holding hands with either Jen, Christi, or me. Then we had dinner next door and Annabelle got to play with the big kids, and she had a blast. And both girls slept really well that night. On Sunday, we were a little under the weather (actually, I was under the weather) so we stayed in and made craft projects for Daddy all day. We had so much fun, got really messy, and made some really cute things to send to Jayson. And Annabelle has discovered how to use the computer and the mouse. When she types it's still gibberish, but she does click on buttons with the mouse which has proven to be slightly problematic. Monday we just took it easy and played inside most of the day because it was raining. Had a headache (from stress and probably too much candy) all day so that was fun. Then Tuesday was CRAZY. Had an early appointment with the doctor. Went to the PX, then to the bank. Then it was off to wal-mart to get extra things to send to Jayson. And all that was done before noon. I was thoroughly beat by the time we got home from those errands but still had a ton to get done before we could send the packages. So I finished up my letters, his blanket, started baking, and worked on some cards and other fun little things to include. It was pretty cute working on his blanket because the girls kept curling up in it as I was trying to finish it. Annabelle even helped me tie some of the pieces together and Rory did her best to help where she could, just being cute, haha. And then today I finished all the baking I was going to do, made several kinds of cookies and made the Amish friendship bread that Katie gave me a starter to. Got to talk to Jayson and we played inside again because of the rain. I got the packages all done and the girls were taking a nap so I figured we'd take them to the post office when they got up and they woke up at 3:25...the post office here closes at 3:30. So we'll be taking them tomorrow, better late than never. With all the writing and painting and crafting and everything I've been doing the past few days, I'm pretty tapped for creativity so I think I'll stop this blog here. More tomorrow, God bless all. :) I love you and miss you Jayson!!!

Day 9: Busy, Busy, Busy!

Goodness, today was a long one, late night, early morning and STUFFED full of activities! I feel quite accomplished and think my wonderful husband would be quite proud of me. Took a little doing to get me on my feet this morning, bright and early, but thanks to my Via, I was able to actually keep my eyes open long enough to make a full breakfast and that gave me scores of energy. Today I made the first real meals we've had since Jayson left. We had scramble eggs and toast and jelly with chocolate milk, and it was delicious. Got three loads of laundry done, folded, and put away. Cleaned the living room and vacuumed. Peanut butter and banana sandwiches for lunch with carrot sticks. Then off to run errands. I picked up the RV lot key, went and got a temporary pass for the jeep, and went to the commissary for a few essentials (you know, milk, bananas, ice cream...). AND because Annabelle was distraught over the state of our current pumpkins (they've gone soft, black and fuzzy, and just kind of droopy...) we got a new pumpkin to carve with Daddy in mind. Picked up the mail on the way back home, took the groceries in and went to the park. After some awesome slide time, we went back home to carve our pumpkin. I put dinner on the stove and we started de-goopifying the pumpkin. Finished the pumpkin, it turned out GREAT, and dinner was ready! We had "Daddy-style" pasta again with corn and Annabelle ate really well and didn't throw anything on the floor, it was awesome. Banana milkshakes were the perfect ending to a great day. We didn't hear from Jayson today so that was a bummer but we're still riding the wave of joy from our skype video chat yesterday. Anyway, tomorrow promises to be pretty busy as well so I'm going to bed to try and catch up on some Zzzs. Goodnight everyone. Until tomorrow my love, Jayson, love you and miss you like a turkey misses it's legs at Thanksgiving. Kisses and hugs from me and the girls!!!

Days 7 & 8: Holy Roller Coaster of Emotion Batman!

WOW. It has been an INSANE 48 hours. Day 7 was just a mess, well, I was a mess. I was at my breaking point, I had no patience for anything and was just to the point of really really losing my mind. I was down all day, down in a ditch and just laying as low as low could be. Lower than a three legged possum in a tractor rut. I don't know what that means but it sounds right. I tried to keep active, clean the house, color with the girls, get stuff at the house fixed, but it was like I was a shell, going through the motions but empty inside. Later that night, I talked to one of the soldiers over there and he really put me at ease and the way he said what he said actually made me feel better instead of upsetting me the way a few other people had by saying almost the same thing, just the wrong way. So I went from angry and upset to just desperately sad. Then I was talking to another friend about how it's been like the process of dealing with a great loss; anger, denial, grief, bargaining, acceptance, etc (I'm not sure what they all are). I had just gone through and passed anger and was in the middle of grief but somewhat acceptance. I have to accept the fact that he'll be gone for this next year but we can get through this and we'll be together again. Still grieving the separation though, still very sad about not being able to talk to him. Even after all this I just couldn't sleep, was exhausted but my mind was super alert. But I knew I had to be up in the morning for Aurora's appointment for her one year well-baby so I ended up going to my room to try to sleep around 1:30 am. I lay there staring at the ceiling for I don't know how long and dozed off a few times but my racing mind kept waking me up. Around four, Rory woke up so I got up to put her back down and figured I'd check my computer. My heart dropped to my stomach. I had missed Jayson being online by an hour. I was a tangle of emotion. I was excited to have heard from him and utterly dismayed that I hadn't been there when he got online. I desperately wanted to hear his voice. As much as getting a message made me happy, it was like drowning in the ocean and fighting to the top to get a small, life-saving breath before being sucked back under into darkness. That one message gave me a boost but I knew it wouldn't last long, I needed to hear his voice, see his face, tell him I love him and miss him with my own voice. I ended up sitting in the chair by the computer the rest of the morning, slept a little, didn't want to chance that I would miss something again. With as little sleep as I got, the morning actually started pretty smoothly, Annabelle came out of her room and woke me up in the chair and we had breakfast. And I think Aurora knew she'd be getting shots because she decided to sleep in. But both girls were up, fed, and ready to go with plenty of time to get to the appointment. Even that started out well, at first, got her back to the room, weighed and measured (18lb 1oz/30") but then went back out to the waiting room to wait for a room to open up to see the doctor. That didn't even take that long but the doctor took awhile to make it to us once we were in that room. BUT, the appointment went well, she's developing well and meeting her milestones nicely. So then a nurse takes us to immunizations to get Rory updated on all her shots, checked in there around 10:20 or so and I was starting to get nervous about the time. I forgot to mention that before I left, I put a message for Jayson on his FB wall to let him know our plans so he could call if he got online and we were still out (He had said he'd try to get online when he got off work). I told him we would probably be back around 11. So we get checked in and sit down to wait. Saw another wife there with her kids, we kept passing each other, lol. But it took FOREVER to get back to get her shots. We didn't get called back until 11:30. So I was already upset about the time, then poor Rory got five shots. The nurse told us to wait there for fifteen minutes to see if there were any adverse reactions to the shots and we walked to the pharmacy to get her some Tylenol. The number we drew was 30 behind the numbers that were being served, my spirits dropped further because that would put us super close to my appointment and at that point I wouldn't even bother going home to drop the girls with my neighbor. But we caught a break, there was a guy standing at one of the counters that wasn't serving anyone, just standing there. So I took the opportunity to ask if he could just grab a bottle of the Tylenol for my daughter so we could get out of there and praise God he did. At this point it was after 12 and I kept thinking and praying, "please don't let me have missed Jayson being online." Got the girls loaded up and headed home and I just kept getting more and more upset thinking I had missed my chance. Get home, and lose it, weeping almost uncontrollably, I couldn't keep it in anymore. Overwhelmed with the thought of having lost my chance to talk to Jayson, I started getting the girls out of the car. Jen came over to ask if I still wanted her to watch the girls and I said yes. She noticed I was upset and came and gave me a hug and I explained what I was going through mentally and emotionally. I was just so stressed and felt like I had failed Jayson by not getting home when I said I would be. Got the girls inside and they both crashed. 12:30. My appointment is in an hour. Jayson's not online but doesn't appear to have tried to get online so there is a glimmer of hope. 12:40. Jayson still hasn't gotten on and I'm about to hand the girls off to Jen and go to my appointment. 12:45. Leave another message for Jayson letting him know I'm about to leave for my appointment, dismay. Then, right as I'm about to minimize the window and get the girls to Jen's, it happens. The little skype window pops up, "Jayson Legg is online." My heart soars and immediately plummets, I have an appointment to get to. The floodgates open and I once again start to weep, I can't help it. No, I can't miss this chance, as he calls me on skype, I pick up my phone and dial the hospital. I leave a tearful message cancelling my appointment with a brief reason why and an intent to reschedule. Lots of emotion but still, bliss. I finally get to talk to him, to see him, to hear his voice. He's there. He's safe. And I can spend some quality time even just looking at him. I cried for the first solid thirty minutes we talked, I was so emotional, so happy to get the call, so sad about the distance between us, frustrated by the lack of contact, but ultimately, elated to even be talking with him that all the anger and frustration melted away. We were able to talk for a few hours before he started to fall asleep. The girls got to see him and say hi. The only thing that would've been better is if it lasted longer (well the BEST thing would have been if he was here :). Then instead of hanging up when he fell asleep, I delightedly listened to him breathing and then snoring, it was a beautiful sound. Now after a long and emotional and wonderful day, I am exhausted and must get some rest. Thanks for tuning in and thank you all for the support you've given, it means so much to me and my family to know we have such great friends that are keeping us in their thoughts and prayers. To you, another great big thank you. To Jayson, I love you so much and am still riding the high of talking with you. Can't wait for the next. To my girls, you keep me as strong as I can be and make me smile when I need it most. To the whole world, goodnight and sweet dreams to all. ♥

Day 6: Demotivated, but...

I'm not really in the mood to blog right now, but I feel like I should. Today was a weird day, it started with what was practically a panic attack. I got a really awful feeling, deep in the pit of my stomach, like what you get when you think or know something bad has happened. I felt dizzy and clammy and couldn't breathe, and I thought I was going to have an asthma attack as well. But I took some deep breaths and it all subsided. I really felt icky for the rest of the morning/afternoon but at the same time was upset/angry about not hearing from Jayson yet. And when I get upset/angry, I go into crazy Martha Stewart mode and go into a cleaning frenzy. Got a lot done, wish I had gotten more done but there's always tomorrow. The girls were really trying me today, if it wasn't one thing, it was another and they just kept going and going as if they were trying to outdo each other to burn my fuse down to the explosive that is at the end of my patience. Aurora kept pulling papers out of a drawer and just throwing them all over the living room. Annabelle super-glued herself to one of our chairs. Aurora emptied her bottle out on the dog bed. Annabelle smeared lotion all over the carpet. And on and on it goes. And just as I felt like I was going to reach my absolute breaking point and really lose it, I was overwhelmed with an intense sense of calm. The polar opposite of what happened to me this morning. As if God laid a blanket of peace from my head to my toes and I instantly felt serene. The stress drained from my body and I was able to take a full, clean breath, close my eyes, and smile. I would still love to hear from Jayson of course, but right now I don't feel quite as stressed or freaked out about it. It was really nice having Katie stop by tonight. She brought me some delicious pumpkin bread and the starter so I can make my own and I am SUPER stoked about that. She also gave me some reassuring words and thoughts that were a salve to my soul. I'm really looking forward to getting to know her better over the next several months or so. Ooh, it's midnight now, I'm exhausted, time to try some sleep. I love you so much baby and can't wait for that call, fingers crossed! Kiss kiss!

p.s. babe, I watched SONS tonight, man oh man, not sure if I should tell you about it ;)

Day 5: Reluctant Post...

I was planning on not writing a new post until I had gotten a call or at the very least a message from Jayson, but still, nothing. I am so low right now but am thankful for my supportive little girl who always manages to make me smile. Yesterday after I had gotten dressed and ready to go to the PX and the commissary and when we were walking out the door Annabelle looked up at me and said, "Oh Mommy, you pretty!" As I teared up a little and told her, "well thank you Sweet Pea, you're pretty too!" She looks right back at me with those beautiful big blue eyes and says, "oh thank you Mommy." And she can make me laugh just as I want to scold her. We went to the PX then walked across the parking lots to the commissary because we had scored an awesome racecar cart and didn't want to give it up. We do all our shopping and head back across both lots to the Jeep at the class six. As I'm putting the groceries in the back and go to get Annabelle out of the racecar, I see that there is a drop-in bottle still in the package at Annabelle's feet. Yes, my daughter's first official shoplifting experience. Then she holds it up for me to take and says, "for Sissy, Mommy, bottle." I explain to her that it's not ours and that we can't just take things from stores, that we have to pay for them. And she just shrugs her shoulders at me. Now, she's still very young but I felt the need to further the lesson so we took it back to the store to pay for it (the top of the box was torn a little and it's the kind of bottles we use anyway). So I took the girls back in and explained that it managed to make it out with us without being paid for and I had Annabelle hand the money to the cashier so she could better understand the concept. So now she goes around the house bringing me things and asking, "Mommy pay? Mommy cost?" And now for the little one, she is determined to keep up with her big sister. Annabelle will take off down the hall to their room and Aurora does her level best to keep up and walk after her, she manages a few steps on her own and then relies on the walls and other objects to keep her balance. And then when it comes to mealtime, she is an absolute bottomless pit! So last night, I sat her in the high chair, gave her a bowl of baby food, a spoon, and let her loose. And I was actually amazed at the lack of mess she made, she is fairly adept at using the spoon herself and actually getting the (I gave her pears) food in her mouth and only a little on her chin, cheeks and bib. I was so proud of her and she was definitely very proud of herself as well. Moving on to today. Today was Monday which is lawn day, so I had to clean the yard up so they could mow. I was so proud of myself for actually getting out of bed and getting it done before the guys showed up to do the lawn. It may not sound like much, but this is a big deal for me and a small victory for my state of mind. Then I remembered that the exterminators were coming out to spray for bugs sometime before noon and I needed to pick up a little so she could get to all the places she needed to. Amazingly enough, I didn't have to do much and Annabelle even helped me tidy up her room and the living room. She is really becoming such a big helper when she's of a mind to be. So VEX-CON came and sprayed, we talked about all the different creepy crawlies we've been seeing and I emphasized the ant issue and she definitely did her thing. Haven't seen a single nasty bug in the whole house (with the exception of one fly that Annabelle MIRACULOUSLY caught by herself, she trapped it on the window with one of her megablocks and then scooped it into her hand and showed it to me, it was incredible, we then had to track it back down and she caught it AGAIN!). THEN, another personal victory for me because I'm horrible about these things, I made doctors appointments for Aurora and me! Again, doesn't sound like much, but if you know me well, you know what a big deal this is for me. And all that was done before noon today! The rest of the day was pretty uneventful for me. It really made my heart ache to see other people's jubilation at the fact that they were able to hear from their loved one overseas. I'm so happy that they were able to talk to them, but once again, I feel cheated. Like we're being punished for some reason. I wouldn't even need a long conversation. Just to hear his voice, know he's safe, and hear him say, "I love you" would suffice it for me. I can't help but have "Come Home Soon" playing through my mind and my heart over and over. The girls and I have been taking turns wearing a pair of Jayson's dog tags. We had "Daddy-style" pasta tonight, plain with lots of butter. As I put Aurora in her crib, that song popped back into my head and I couldn't help but start to hum and ultimately sing the whole thing. At the very end, Annabelle climbed up in my lap and put her cheek to my cheek. When I finished she turned to me and said, "good job, Mommy, pretty song." God has truly blessed me with my children. I am exhausted now though so I'm going to snuggle on the couch with my Annabelle and try to rest in case I get a call. I love you more than air, my love, hope to hear your voice soon!!

Day 4: Ohh, so it DOES get better!

So yesterday was rough, Annabelle was being a pill almost all day and I found my fuse to be very short. Read a few military poems and prayers online and even though they made me cry my eyes out, it helped me feel better knowing that other people out there have made it through this same situation and that there's hope even if, heaven forbid, they didn't. As much as I don't want to get all depressing, I've really had to think about the possibilities of what could happen so I can be prepared for the worst. The key is to not dwell on it, think about it, process it, prepare yourself, and move on. I find that the more I try to avoid thinking or talking or blogging about the worst, the worse my thoughts get, so if I face the possibility of reality head-on, I've really been able to dispel my fears and focus on the hope for the future. Lots of tears yesterday, going through the pictures of the night that we said farewell, and I was really expecting and hoping for a call. We did get a blessing last night in the form of a really good friend ordering dinner for us and having it delivered so I didn't have to worry about a thing. It was awesome! Definitely eased the stress for a few hours. Then the girls decided they wanted to wake up around midnight and be wide awake. So I had to gather them both up in my arms, sit in our chair and sing songs for an hour. Annabelle went to sleep but Aurora was bound and determined to stay awake and keep Mommy up too. She finally dozed off around 2 AM and I then got to go to bed. Only to have Annabelle wake up two hours later but once she climbed into bed with me she went right to sleep. And then Aurora woke up and wanted to come sleep with us too. So I had a bed full of little bed-hogs but actually got some good sleep before Annabelle decided to wake up at 8 AM and get into my hair serum. BUT after a rocky start this morning, the girls have been decidedly sweeter. I even got a shower, got dressed, did my hair, put my face on, and we might even get out of the house today. The day has gone well so far like I said but the only thing that will make it a great day today is a call or message from Jayson. We've been waiting on pins and needles for any word from him for almost two full days now and I'm the kind of person that gets anxious when I don't get to talk to him for too long. I'm trying to be patient and understanding but it's going to take some getting used to before I get to the point where I don't start to get antsy. I just can't wait to hear his voice again. Still reading every message I have saved on facebook and every text on my phone over and over. I always keep a few texts on my phone from him, ones that say "I love you" or "I miss you" "Just wanted to say I love you" or "I love you honey!!!!!!" A little redundant, yes, but it's what I want to hear (read). This blog is definitely helping with the anxiety though, and the build-up of emotions. It's like releasing the pressure valve on an air compressor, or taking a nice, big, deep, cleansing breath after a really great yoga workout. Like you can actually feel the baddies leaving your body and inhaling peace of mind (if only a little) and you relax just a bit. *deep breath in* "We can do this" *big breath out* That has been my mantra these past few days and it really has helped me. On that note, I'm going to end this post and resume working on the house. I love you so much Jayson and can't wait for that phone call!!!

Day 3: Lots of thoughts

Question: How many times does it take to read and re-read someone's messages before you realize there isn't anything new in them and that reading them a bunch of times won't magically allow them to call you? Answer: I don't know, I'm still reading them. It's like my heart has convinced my brain that if I keep reading them, it'll change something. I feel totally overwhelmed this morning. I keep thinking about all the things I need to or should get done and thinking, "how am I going to do this alone?" It's not that I'm incapable of doing the stuff by myself; it's the fact that Jayson isn't here and my thoughts go to, "how am I going to make it through this year alone?" I know I CAN do it but it's the all-consuming feeling of I don't want to do it. I don't want to have to go through this next year without him. I don't want him to go through this year missing all that he will with the girls. I know he has a job to do but with separation like this my thoughts tend to lean toward the selfish. I just have to keep reminding myself that I WILL be able to talk to him a little more often once they're all set up over there. And that I really won't be alone because I still have him, just farther away. And I've got a really good support system here as well that have definitely already helped a lot. Another thing that has really helped so far is how good the girls have been. They went to bed earlier than they have in awhile last night and didn't get up this morning until 8:15. And while Annabelle still occasionally acts like a typical "terrible twos" victim, she has been so sweet and patient with me. I'm also trying to remind myself that a year really isn't that long at all and that R&R will come quickly. As much as I tell myself that though, I still want him back now. My plan today is to work on the house and write out a schedule of activities to do with the girls and the other wives so we all have things to look forward to and the time will at least seem to pass faster. I love you so much Jayson, hopefully I get to hear your voice today.

Deployment: Day 2 - Part 2

Took the girls to the pumpkin patch with Jennie and Amiah, LOTS of fun. The pumpkin patch wasn't what I expected (plastic pumpkins with candy inside instead of real pumpkins, lol) but the girls had a blast. It was nice to get out of the house with friends. It was pretty sad though to come home and find that I missed Jayson being online. It was really great to get a message from him I just feel like I should have been here. The girls had a really good day though, tuckered them out for sure, they were both asleep in bed by 9. On that note, I should get myself to bed so if the girls decide to get up early as well I'll be well rested. Goodnight world, sleep tight my love, I'll be dreaming of you. Love and miss you. Forever and Always, Your wife.

Deployment: Day 2

So today is day 2 of Jayson's deployment and today is better than yesterday. Day 1 was filled with naps and tears and little girl hugs and more tears. But today we slept in, woke up happy, and have had a more normal day. We're even going to the pumpkin patch later, I'm pretty stoked and Annabelle is super excited to go. Jennie and Amiah and maybe Jamie are gonna come over and walk down with us. Jennie and I are making plans to hang out after and write out a schedule of activities for us and the girls so we have stuff to look forward to. We've all added skype so we can chat with each other but also if we see our boys online we can call each other if we're not online. I got two calls from Jayson yesterday and a few messages, but nothing yet today. I'm really hoping for any kind of contact but realize I'm going to need to be used to maybe not hearing from him for a couple days at a time, at least until they get set up and have internet and everything over there. I need to get a few more wives numbers so we can set up a little network of stuff to do and people to call. It's amazing the kinds of things you never thought you would miss until they're gone. I don't miss the smell of cigarette smoke, but I definitely miss the person it would cling to. I'm totally sitting and writing this while wearing one of Jayson's shirts and his jeans. Definitely even put on some of his deodorant and cologne. You do weird things when you miss someone you love dearly. I think it has helped the girls too because they're used to him holding and snuggling them and once I put his shirt and cologne on and held Aurora, she settled right down and went to sleep after being restless for hours. It's hard telling your little girl that Daddy won't be home for awhile. Annabelle is constantly looking for him and yesterday when I had the spare room and bathroon and our bedroom locked, she kept thinking he was behind one of the doors. But I think she's beginning to grasp the concept that he's at work and can give Mommy hugs and kisses for Daddy. We sat down last night before bed and said prayers for Daddy and all his friends over there. It is amazing how much a two and a half year-old can comfort you. Today as our neighbor came home for lunch, she heard the engine and said very excitedly, "Daddy's home!" I had to explain to her that it was Steve and not Daddy and that Daddy would be at work for a few months. I definitely teared up while telling her this and she wrapped her little arms around me, squeezed tight, and patted my back. She may not understand much, but she knows just what Mommy needs even if she doesn't understand why. God has blessed me so much with my girls. I would be having a much harder time if I didn't have them to make me smile. And that fact breaks my heart for Jayson because he isn't here to be with his girls. I am so proud of him for stepping up when there is a job to do and he gets it done. I only hope that I can be strong for him here and make the most of our situation. I want him be able to be as proud of me as I am of him. He does so much for us that I want to strive to do what I can so he doesn't have to worry about us. My brain is starting to not make sense to me so I'm going to end this here. I love you Jayson and miss you more than a pig misses its ribs at a barbeque. ♥