Days 7 & 8: Holy Roller Coaster of Emotion Batman!

WOW. It has been an INSANE 48 hours. Day 7 was just a mess, well, I was a mess. I was at my breaking point, I had no patience for anything and was just to the point of really really losing my mind. I was down all day, down in a ditch and just laying as low as low could be. Lower than a three legged possum in a tractor rut. I don't know what that means but it sounds right. I tried to keep active, clean the house, color with the girls, get stuff at the house fixed, but it was like I was a shell, going through the motions but empty inside. Later that night, I talked to one of the soldiers over there and he really put me at ease and the way he said what he said actually made me feel better instead of upsetting me the way a few other people had by saying almost the same thing, just the wrong way. So I went from angry and upset to just desperately sad. Then I was talking to another friend about how it's been like the process of dealing with a great loss; anger, denial, grief, bargaining, acceptance, etc (I'm not sure what they all are). I had just gone through and passed anger and was in the middle of grief but somewhat acceptance. I have to accept the fact that he'll be gone for this next year but we can get through this and we'll be together again. Still grieving the separation though, still very sad about not being able to talk to him. Even after all this I just couldn't sleep, was exhausted but my mind was super alert. But I knew I had to be up in the morning for Aurora's appointment for her one year well-baby so I ended up going to my room to try to sleep around 1:30 am. I lay there staring at the ceiling for I don't know how long and dozed off a few times but my racing mind kept waking me up. Around four, Rory woke up so I got up to put her back down and figured I'd check my computer. My heart dropped to my stomach. I had missed Jayson being online by an hour. I was a tangle of emotion. I was excited to have heard from him and utterly dismayed that I hadn't been there when he got online. I desperately wanted to hear his voice. As much as getting a message made me happy, it was like drowning in the ocean and fighting to the top to get a small, life-saving breath before being sucked back under into darkness. That one message gave me a boost but I knew it wouldn't last long, I needed to hear his voice, see his face, tell him I love him and miss him with my own voice. I ended up sitting in the chair by the computer the rest of the morning, slept a little, didn't want to chance that I would miss something again. With as little sleep as I got, the morning actually started pretty smoothly, Annabelle came out of her room and woke me up in the chair and we had breakfast. And I think Aurora knew she'd be getting shots because she decided to sleep in. But both girls were up, fed, and ready to go with plenty of time to get to the appointment. Even that started out well, at first, got her back to the room, weighed and measured (18lb 1oz/30") but then went back out to the waiting room to wait for a room to open up to see the doctor. That didn't even take that long but the doctor took awhile to make it to us once we were in that room. BUT, the appointment went well, she's developing well and meeting her milestones nicely. So then a nurse takes us to immunizations to get Rory updated on all her shots, checked in there around 10:20 or so and I was starting to get nervous about the time. I forgot to mention that before I left, I put a message for Jayson on his FB wall to let him know our plans so he could call if he got online and we were still out (He had said he'd try to get online when he got off work). I told him we would probably be back around 11. So we get checked in and sit down to wait. Saw another wife there with her kids, we kept passing each other, lol. But it took FOREVER to get back to get her shots. We didn't get called back until 11:30. So I was already upset about the time, then poor Rory got five shots. The nurse told us to wait there for fifteen minutes to see if there were any adverse reactions to the shots and we walked to the pharmacy to get her some Tylenol. The number we drew was 30 behind the numbers that were being served, my spirits dropped further because that would put us super close to my appointment and at that point I wouldn't even bother going home to drop the girls with my neighbor. But we caught a break, there was a guy standing at one of the counters that wasn't serving anyone, just standing there. So I took the opportunity to ask if he could just grab a bottle of the Tylenol for my daughter so we could get out of there and praise God he did. At this point it was after 12 and I kept thinking and praying, "please don't let me have missed Jayson being online." Got the girls loaded up and headed home and I just kept getting more and more upset thinking I had missed my chance. Get home, and lose it, weeping almost uncontrollably, I couldn't keep it in anymore. Overwhelmed with the thought of having lost my chance to talk to Jayson, I started getting the girls out of the car. Jen came over to ask if I still wanted her to watch the girls and I said yes. She noticed I was upset and came and gave me a hug and I explained what I was going through mentally and emotionally. I was just so stressed and felt like I had failed Jayson by not getting home when I said I would be. Got the girls inside and they both crashed. 12:30. My appointment is in an hour. Jayson's not online but doesn't appear to have tried to get online so there is a glimmer of hope. 12:40. Jayson still hasn't gotten on and I'm about to hand the girls off to Jen and go to my appointment. 12:45. Leave another message for Jayson letting him know I'm about to leave for my appointment, dismay. Then, right as I'm about to minimize the window and get the girls to Jen's, it happens. The little skype window pops up, "Jayson Legg is online." My heart soars and immediately plummets, I have an appointment to get to. The floodgates open and I once again start to weep, I can't help it. No, I can't miss this chance, as he calls me on skype, I pick up my phone and dial the hospital. I leave a tearful message cancelling my appointment with a brief reason why and an intent to reschedule. Lots of emotion but still, bliss. I finally get to talk to him, to see him, to hear his voice. He's there. He's safe. And I can spend some quality time even just looking at him. I cried for the first solid thirty minutes we talked, I was so emotional, so happy to get the call, so sad about the distance between us, frustrated by the lack of contact, but ultimately, elated to even be talking with him that all the anger and frustration melted away. We were able to talk for a few hours before he started to fall asleep. The girls got to see him and say hi. The only thing that would've been better is if it lasted longer (well the BEST thing would have been if he was here :). Then instead of hanging up when he fell asleep, I delightedly listened to him breathing and then snoring, it was a beautiful sound. Now after a long and emotional and wonderful day, I am exhausted and must get some rest. Thanks for tuning in and thank you all for the support you've given, it means so much to me and my family to know we have such great friends that are keeping us in their thoughts and prayers. To you, another great big thank you. To Jayson, I love you so much and am still riding the high of talking with you. Can't wait for the next. To my girls, you keep me as strong as I can be and make me smile when I need it most. To the whole world, goodnight and sweet dreams to all. ♥