Day 3: Lots of thoughts

Question: How many times does it take to read and re-read someone's messages before you realize there isn't anything new in them and that reading them a bunch of times won't magically allow them to call you? Answer: I don't know, I'm still reading them. It's like my heart has convinced my brain that if I keep reading them, it'll change something. I feel totally overwhelmed this morning. I keep thinking about all the things I need to or should get done and thinking, "how am I going to do this alone?" It's not that I'm incapable of doing the stuff by myself; it's the fact that Jayson isn't here and my thoughts go to, "how am I going to make it through this year alone?" I know I CAN do it but it's the all-consuming feeling of I don't want to do it. I don't want to have to go through this next year without him. I don't want him to go through this year missing all that he will with the girls. I know he has a job to do but with separation like this my thoughts tend to lean toward the selfish. I just have to keep reminding myself that I WILL be able to talk to him a little more often once they're all set up over there. And that I really won't be alone because I still have him, just farther away. And I've got a really good support system here as well that have definitely already helped a lot. Another thing that has really helped so far is how good the girls have been. They went to bed earlier than they have in awhile last night and didn't get up this morning until 8:15. And while Annabelle still occasionally acts like a typical "terrible twos" victim, she has been so sweet and patient with me. I'm also trying to remind myself that a year really isn't that long at all and that R&R will come quickly. As much as I tell myself that though, I still want him back now. My plan today is to work on the house and write out a schedule of activities to do with the girls and the other wives so we all have things to look forward to and the time will at least seem to pass faster. I love you so much Jayson, hopefully I get to hear your voice today.