Big thoughts: status pending?

Ok, so I haven't blogged in awhile and this one is less about deployed life and more about life in general so here goes. For the past several months I have endured severe back pain. And a few weeks ago, that also became severe stiff neck which led to severe tension headaches. After a few agonizing days, I went to my doctor, who sent me to physical therapy. While physical therapy has been GREAT, all I can think about is the fact that there is a problem with me that requires the physical therapy. Before I really get into the reason behind it all, let me tell you a story:

My ENTIRE life, all I've ever pictured for myself as far as children go, is boys. Rowdy, rambunctious, mischievous, adorable boys. As I got closer to an age where children became more of a part of the picture that is my life, I thought about girls as well, but always after the boys, the girls need big brothers to look out for them, you know. Now, being the mother of two INCREDIBLE girls, I know that God knew what He was doing. But, that didn't take away my desire for a boy of my own. Every time a friend of mine would post on Facebook that they just found out they were having a boy, I would tear up, feeling a loss where there shouldn't be. Every time I would see their pictures, I would feel joy for them in the same second I would feel sad for myself. I tried to stop these feelings, telling myself that God has really blessed me with the things He's given me, but they didn't stop. To comfort myself, I would tell myself I could always have another baby, we could always try for a boy. BUT, in the recent months, I've been told by doctors more than once, that may not be an option for me. The rigors and stress of pregnancy and labor and childbirth have taken a toll on my body that requires constant exercise and physical therapy just to stay marginally out of pain. If I slack off at all or miss an appointment, it comes blazing back in a hurricane of torment that leaves me racked with so much pain that my children suffer for it unless I call a good friend to come and help me take care of them. And my doctor informed me that with future children, my condition will likely only worsen. But me, being the stubborn human I am, that wasn't going to stop me. That is, until I had the week I've just had. It started small, with a small voice popping in my head occasionally whenever I would have those thoughts and feelings of loss. The voice said simply, "you still have options." still being stubborn, I tried to stifle the voice with my own, selfishly proclaiming in my head, "I want a son of my OWN!" I wasn't ready to let go of my desires. Then other things started burrowing into my thoughts. I read a magazine article about Ashley Judd and something she said has stuck with me. The interviewer said (quoting her book), "You've decided not to have children when there are so many already in the world and suffering. Any second thoughts?" And she replied, "Never even the faintest shadow of regret." That has really stayed with me and persuaded the voice to become louder and more concise and specific, now saying only, "Adopt." still resistant, it took an episode of "Friends" (which I rarely watch) to snap me out of my selfish bubble. The last few episodes chronicle Monica and Chandler going through the process of adopting from a girl with an unplanned pregnancy. All this in a matter of days seemed too coincidental to really be on accident. God has not taken away my desire for a baby boy, but He has given me the desire to seek one out through adoption, rather than another pregnancy. I'm still emotional, waving goodbye to ever being pregnant again feels like such a great loss. But the thought of giving a life and a loving family to a baby in need is swiftly replacing that feeling of loss. I still have a lot of thinking to do and a lot of planning and discussion with my husband, but I feel this is the direction God has been pointing me in for awhile, and I've finally come around to the idea. Thanks for reading and may God bless you greatly.

Alyssa

Day..too many: Ugh '~'

So it's been forever and ever since I blogged. I keep meaning too but I usually do it around bedtime and lately, been trying to get as much rest as I can. The girls have been sick off and on for the past two weeks and I feel like I'm coming down with something now. Aurora didn't get too bad, but poor Annabelle got a really bad fever along with the cold. Lots of stuff has been happening, Aurora is saying lots of words now and when she doesn't say real words, she is babbling like crazy. Both she and Annabelle want to be big kids so bad. Most of the kids in the neighborhood are a little older and the girls follow them around like puppy dogs. Annabelle is coming into her own as a big sister and she's really good at it. Let me back up and give you a tiny bit of Annabelle history. She has been scared of the vacuum cleaner for a long time. When she was tiny, she would need to be picked up, now, she just jumps up on the furniture. She is so scared of it that if I have it out, she will give it a wide berth to avoid getting anywhere near it. Now, with that in mind, Aurora is blissfully ignorant to the terrors of the vacuum, she giggles and crawls or walks around it while I'm vacuuming. So the other day, I was vacuuming the floor and Annabelle jumps up in a chair in her usual style and Aurora just stays on the floor, laughing her butt off. Annabelle, seeing her sister in imminent peril, immediately starts shouting warnings to her baby sister, telling her to "watch out!" and "run/get away!" and "oh no sissy!" Her sister, being oblivious to the apparent danger, continues to toddle about, happy as can be. Realizing the little one would not heed her, Annabelle then makes the split-second decision to protect her sissy from the monster that is the vacuum. So, she leaps heroically from her chair and puts herself between the hideous creature and her baby sister, putting her arms up to corral her and make sure she doesn't come to any harm. And, to Annabelle, that is the equivalent of an adult standing in between a snarling grizzly bear and another person. She didn't overcome her fear as she still jumps up on the furniture when I vacuum, but she still makes sure that Aurora is thoroughly safe anytime I do. Just one of several adorable acts of big sisterhood she has undertaken. She is constantly bringing her sister along with her to include her in her activities. We decorated the Christmas tree a few weeks back and Annabelle was helping Aurora pick out ornaments and finding the perfect spot to hang them (and subsequently, every day since, they "un-decorate" and "re-decorate" the tree as they see fit). When we have our meals all together, Annabelle is always trying to share her food and feed her sister. I really pray that this close comraderie continues to stay and grow stronger as they get older. It is quite endearing and heartwarming to witness the sweetness between the two. Annabelle has also been a lot more vocal lately and her favorite phrases are "leave me alone", any sequence of counting, "I want to hug you", "I want to go outside", and "I love-a you." The last one is understandably my favorite. She is so sweet (the majority of the time) and is constantly giving hugs and kisses to her sister and I. I don't like seeing them sick, but it definitely brings out their sweeter sides. On another note, we have been readying ourselves for Christmas by decorating and wrapping presents. The stockings are filled and hung. The tree is trimmed and already has a few gifts under it. All of the presents in the house are wrapped and we only have a small few left to shop for. I've been trying to get Jayson's packages sent off but with the way I've been feeling lately, it hasn't happened yet. I'm feeling pretty stressed about it and getting everything he needs sent to him. I keep thinking I'm going to forget something or that what I'm sending isn't enough. My thoughts have been so scattered lately with getting all the bills taken care of, the girls being sick, me being sick, the daily household requirements, the dogs' needs, my computer issues, and any and everything else, I can't keep my head straight. I just need lots of prayer for peace of mind and focus because it's been very difficult to organize my thoughts and keep them where they need to be. Anyway, I'm going to try to get back into blogging more often because it is one of the things that helps me organize the thoughts I need to keep and discard the ones I don't. Thanks for listening, those of you that do, I really appreciate all your support. Hope all your holiday preparations are going well. :)

Day 25/26: it all sorta melts together...here is a poem

I cried myself to sleep this night
Without the warmth of you by my side
It's been almost a month since we both said farewell
And these 26 days have mostly been hell
You don't realize how much you need someone til they're gone
Or until you spend an entire week waiting anxiously by the phone
The smallest thoughts lead to my worst fears
I haven't cried this much in my 26 years
I miss you more than the tide misses the shore
That's probably why I'm always coming back for more
I sit and dream about the next time I'll hold you
And can't wait to stare deep into your eyes, so blue
You are my best friend and the love of my life
And I consider myself blessed to be called your wife
But this distance between us really tears me up
Like I'm still breathing, but I can't get enough
A soldier's wife has to be strong and brave
But only others like her know what she gave
It's not fair that we have to go through this
But I understand, and I know you must do it
You have a job to do and I know you'll do well
And what you're going through is worse, I can tell
But I couldn't be more prepared for this life
And yet I'm still struggling so much with the strife
I can't count the amount of tears that I've shed
If I'd bled as much, I'd surely be dead
Sometimes that's how I feel, being so far away so long
But I know we'll get through this, I can't be wrong
God gives me strength as do the girls, and you
And all our good friends are doing what they can do
It's just nights like these that make it so tough
And I feel for you, all alone, must be rough
So I try not to complain to you at all
And remind myself we'll be together, next fall
Until I see you again, I love you and kiss kiss
And know we're all praying for you, whom we miss
We can't wait to see you and hug you again
And now that's all my heart feels it can say, the end.

Day 21?..Losing count...

So life has kind of taken over and I can't quite keep up with my blog the way I wanted to and I've decided that's ok. Spending quality time with my girls and giving Jayson as much of my time as I can is more important to me. <<big sigh>> Today was a rough one. The morning started out stressful and apparently that was the theme the girls wanted to carry out for the day. But at the same token, they know exactly when I most need them. I definitely had a breakdown into tears tonight and Annabelle came over, took my hands, and just smiled at me. Then when I pulled her into a hug, she didn't pull away, just hugged me back and patted my back so sweetly. God has truly blessed her, and ultimately me, with a big heart. They are both growing so fast and get sweeter everyday. Even when they're trying my patience, they manage to be sweet and cute about it. We all miss Jayson so much but we're holding onto each other as often as possible and that seems to help. And I feel like there is so much that I want to say here but I've just got no energy and my mind goes blank when I try to grasp at thoughts. The only thought I'm able to get ahold of seems to be how much I miss him. I'm really trying to make this blog about the whole experience we're having with the deployment and not focus on the sadness and depression of it but today is just one of those days where I can't seem to stop crying. I will tell you one thing that the girls and I started a little while ago. Every night we turn everything in the house off and say prayers for Jayson. When we finish and say "Amen," we turn on a lantern that we place in our front window as a light to shine for Daddy to see his way back to us.

On another note, I practically gouged my eye out tonight on the corner of a cardboard box so that hurts. Got some fun surprises in the mail for me and the girls and another for dinner which really helped ease my stress (THANKS!!). And I definitely know why my girls are growing so fast, they can put food away like nobody's business. And I'm willing to bet that they could each go through a gallon of milk over the course of three days themselves. They must take after their Daddy.

Aaaaaand as I said, it's really been a long day so I think I'm gonna snuggle up with my Annabelle and try to go to sleep. Goodnight. I LOVE you Jayson!!!

Days 10-14: Trick or Treating, Care Packages, and Children Oh My!

Well, it's been awhile since I've blogged. I've been writing letters during the time I would usually blog, or going to bed earlier than usual because we've been so busy and I've been super exhausted. On Saturday the girls and I went trick-or-treating with the neighbors all around the neighborhood. Annabelle was Tinkerbell and Aurora was a pumpkin. Got TONS of candy and Annabelle had loads of fun. She even said "tick or tweet" at every house and was just generally adorable. Aurora kept herself plenty occupied just babbling along riding in the stroller. Annabelle walked almost the entire way holding hands with either Jen, Christi, or me. Then we had dinner next door and Annabelle got to play with the big kids, and she had a blast. And both girls slept really well that night. On Sunday, we were a little under the weather (actually, I was under the weather) so we stayed in and made craft projects for Daddy all day. We had so much fun, got really messy, and made some really cute things to send to Jayson. And Annabelle has discovered how to use the computer and the mouse. When she types it's still gibberish, but she does click on buttons with the mouse which has proven to be slightly problematic. Monday we just took it easy and played inside most of the day because it was raining. Had a headache (from stress and probably too much candy) all day so that was fun. Then Tuesday was CRAZY. Had an early appointment with the doctor. Went to the PX, then to the bank. Then it was off to wal-mart to get extra things to send to Jayson. And all that was done before noon. I was thoroughly beat by the time we got home from those errands but still had a ton to get done before we could send the packages. So I finished up my letters, his blanket, started baking, and worked on some cards and other fun little things to include. It was pretty cute working on his blanket because the girls kept curling up in it as I was trying to finish it. Annabelle even helped me tie some of the pieces together and Rory did her best to help where she could, just being cute, haha. And then today I finished all the baking I was going to do, made several kinds of cookies and made the Amish friendship bread that Katie gave me a starter to. Got to talk to Jayson and we played inside again because of the rain. I got the packages all done and the girls were taking a nap so I figured we'd take them to the post office when they got up and they woke up at 3:25...the post office here closes at 3:30. So we'll be taking them tomorrow, better late than never. With all the writing and painting and crafting and everything I've been doing the past few days, I'm pretty tapped for creativity so I think I'll stop this blog here. More tomorrow, God bless all. :) I love you and miss you Jayson!!!

Day 9: Busy, Busy, Busy!

Goodness, today was a long one, late night, early morning and STUFFED full of activities! I feel quite accomplished and think my wonderful husband would be quite proud of me. Took a little doing to get me on my feet this morning, bright and early, but thanks to my Via, I was able to actually keep my eyes open long enough to make a full breakfast and that gave me scores of energy. Today I made the first real meals we've had since Jayson left. We had scramble eggs and toast and jelly with chocolate milk, and it was delicious. Got three loads of laundry done, folded, and put away. Cleaned the living room and vacuumed. Peanut butter and banana sandwiches for lunch with carrot sticks. Then off to run errands. I picked up the RV lot key, went and got a temporary pass for the jeep, and went to the commissary for a few essentials (you know, milk, bananas, ice cream...). AND because Annabelle was distraught over the state of our current pumpkins (they've gone soft, black and fuzzy, and just kind of droopy...) we got a new pumpkin to carve with Daddy in mind. Picked up the mail on the way back home, took the groceries in and went to the park. After some awesome slide time, we went back home to carve our pumpkin. I put dinner on the stove and we started de-goopifying the pumpkin. Finished the pumpkin, it turned out GREAT, and dinner was ready! We had "Daddy-style" pasta again with corn and Annabelle ate really well and didn't throw anything on the floor, it was awesome. Banana milkshakes were the perfect ending to a great day. We didn't hear from Jayson today so that was a bummer but we're still riding the wave of joy from our skype video chat yesterday. Anyway, tomorrow promises to be pretty busy as well so I'm going to bed to try and catch up on some Zzzs. Goodnight everyone. Until tomorrow my love, Jayson, love you and miss you like a turkey misses it's legs at Thanksgiving. Kisses and hugs from me and the girls!!!

Days 7 & 8: Holy Roller Coaster of Emotion Batman!

WOW. It has been an INSANE 48 hours. Day 7 was just a mess, well, I was a mess. I was at my breaking point, I had no patience for anything and was just to the point of really really losing my mind. I was down all day, down in a ditch and just laying as low as low could be. Lower than a three legged possum in a tractor rut. I don't know what that means but it sounds right. I tried to keep active, clean the house, color with the girls, get stuff at the house fixed, but it was like I was a shell, going through the motions but empty inside. Later that night, I talked to one of the soldiers over there and he really put me at ease and the way he said what he said actually made me feel better instead of upsetting me the way a few other people had by saying almost the same thing, just the wrong way. So I went from angry and upset to just desperately sad. Then I was talking to another friend about how it's been like the process of dealing with a great loss; anger, denial, grief, bargaining, acceptance, etc (I'm not sure what they all are). I had just gone through and passed anger and was in the middle of grief but somewhat acceptance. I have to accept the fact that he'll be gone for this next year but we can get through this and we'll be together again. Still grieving the separation though, still very sad about not being able to talk to him. Even after all this I just couldn't sleep, was exhausted but my mind was super alert. But I knew I had to be up in the morning for Aurora's appointment for her one year well-baby so I ended up going to my room to try to sleep around 1:30 am. I lay there staring at the ceiling for I don't know how long and dozed off a few times but my racing mind kept waking me up. Around four, Rory woke up so I got up to put her back down and figured I'd check my computer. My heart dropped to my stomach. I had missed Jayson being online by an hour. I was a tangle of emotion. I was excited to have heard from him and utterly dismayed that I hadn't been there when he got online. I desperately wanted to hear his voice. As much as getting a message made me happy, it was like drowning in the ocean and fighting to the top to get a small, life-saving breath before being sucked back under into darkness. That one message gave me a boost but I knew it wouldn't last long, I needed to hear his voice, see his face, tell him I love him and miss him with my own voice. I ended up sitting in the chair by the computer the rest of the morning, slept a little, didn't want to chance that I would miss something again. With as little sleep as I got, the morning actually started pretty smoothly, Annabelle came out of her room and woke me up in the chair and we had breakfast. And I think Aurora knew she'd be getting shots because she decided to sleep in. But both girls were up, fed, and ready to go with plenty of time to get to the appointment. Even that started out well, at first, got her back to the room, weighed and measured (18lb 1oz/30") but then went back out to the waiting room to wait for a room to open up to see the doctor. That didn't even take that long but the doctor took awhile to make it to us once we were in that room. BUT, the appointment went well, she's developing well and meeting her milestones nicely. So then a nurse takes us to immunizations to get Rory updated on all her shots, checked in there around 10:20 or so and I was starting to get nervous about the time. I forgot to mention that before I left, I put a message for Jayson on his FB wall to let him know our plans so he could call if he got online and we were still out (He had said he'd try to get online when he got off work). I told him we would probably be back around 11. So we get checked in and sit down to wait. Saw another wife there with her kids, we kept passing each other, lol. But it took FOREVER to get back to get her shots. We didn't get called back until 11:30. So I was already upset about the time, then poor Rory got five shots. The nurse told us to wait there for fifteen minutes to see if there were any adverse reactions to the shots and we walked to the pharmacy to get her some Tylenol. The number we drew was 30 behind the numbers that were being served, my spirits dropped further because that would put us super close to my appointment and at that point I wouldn't even bother going home to drop the girls with my neighbor. But we caught a break, there was a guy standing at one of the counters that wasn't serving anyone, just standing there. So I took the opportunity to ask if he could just grab a bottle of the Tylenol for my daughter so we could get out of there and praise God he did. At this point it was after 12 and I kept thinking and praying, "please don't let me have missed Jayson being online." Got the girls loaded up and headed home and I just kept getting more and more upset thinking I had missed my chance. Get home, and lose it, weeping almost uncontrollably, I couldn't keep it in anymore. Overwhelmed with the thought of having lost my chance to talk to Jayson, I started getting the girls out of the car. Jen came over to ask if I still wanted her to watch the girls and I said yes. She noticed I was upset and came and gave me a hug and I explained what I was going through mentally and emotionally. I was just so stressed and felt like I had failed Jayson by not getting home when I said I would be. Got the girls inside and they both crashed. 12:30. My appointment is in an hour. Jayson's not online but doesn't appear to have tried to get online so there is a glimmer of hope. 12:40. Jayson still hasn't gotten on and I'm about to hand the girls off to Jen and go to my appointment. 12:45. Leave another message for Jayson letting him know I'm about to leave for my appointment, dismay. Then, right as I'm about to minimize the window and get the girls to Jen's, it happens. The little skype window pops up, "Jayson Legg is online." My heart soars and immediately plummets, I have an appointment to get to. The floodgates open and I once again start to weep, I can't help it. No, I can't miss this chance, as he calls me on skype, I pick up my phone and dial the hospital. I leave a tearful message cancelling my appointment with a brief reason why and an intent to reschedule. Lots of emotion but still, bliss. I finally get to talk to him, to see him, to hear his voice. He's there. He's safe. And I can spend some quality time even just looking at him. I cried for the first solid thirty minutes we talked, I was so emotional, so happy to get the call, so sad about the distance between us, frustrated by the lack of contact, but ultimately, elated to even be talking with him that all the anger and frustration melted away. We were able to talk for a few hours before he started to fall asleep. The girls got to see him and say hi. The only thing that would've been better is if it lasted longer (well the BEST thing would have been if he was here :). Then instead of hanging up when he fell asleep, I delightedly listened to him breathing and then snoring, it was a beautiful sound. Now after a long and emotional and wonderful day, I am exhausted and must get some rest. Thanks for tuning in and thank you all for the support you've given, it means so much to me and my family to know we have such great friends that are keeping us in their thoughts and prayers. To you, another great big thank you. To Jayson, I love you so much and am still riding the high of talking with you. Can't wait for the next. To my girls, you keep me as strong as I can be and make me smile when I need it most. To the whole world, goodnight and sweet dreams to all. ♥