Ok, so I haven't blogged in awhile and this one is less about deployed life and more about life in general so here goes. For the past several months I have endured severe back pain. And a few weeks ago, that also became severe stiff neck which led to severe tension headaches. After a few agonizing days, I went to my doctor, who sent me to physical therapy. While physical therapy has been GREAT, all I can think about is the fact that there is a problem with me that requires the physical therapy. Before I really get into the reason behind it all, let me tell you a story:
My ENTIRE life, all I've ever pictured for myself as far as children go, is boys. Rowdy, rambunctious, mischievous, adorable boys. As I got closer to an age where children became more of a part of the picture that is my life, I thought about girls as well, but always after the boys, the girls need big brothers to look out for them, you know. Now, being the mother of two INCREDIBLE girls, I know that God knew what He was doing. But, that didn't take away my desire for a boy of my own. Every time a friend of mine would post on Facebook that they just found out they were having a boy, I would tear up, feeling a loss where there shouldn't be. Every time I would see their pictures, I would feel joy for them in the same second I would feel sad for myself. I tried to stop these feelings, telling myself that God has really blessed me with the things He's given me, but they didn't stop. To comfort myself, I would tell myself I could always have another baby, we could always try for a boy. BUT, in the recent months, I've been told by doctors more than once, that may not be an option for me. The rigors and stress of pregnancy and labor and childbirth have taken a toll on my body that requires constant exercise and physical therapy just to stay marginally out of pain. If I slack off at all or miss an appointment, it comes blazing back in a hurricane of torment that leaves me racked with so much pain that my children suffer for it unless I call a good friend to come and help me take care of them. And my doctor informed me that with future children, my condition will likely only worsen. But me, being the stubborn human I am, that wasn't going to stop me. That is, until I had the week I've just had. It started small, with a small voice popping in my head occasionally whenever I would have those thoughts and feelings of loss. The voice said simply, "you still have options." still being stubborn, I tried to stifle the voice with my own, selfishly proclaiming in my head, "I want a son of my OWN!" I wasn't ready to let go of my desires. Then other things started burrowing into my thoughts. I read a magazine article about Ashley Judd and something she said has stuck with me. The interviewer said (quoting her book), "You've decided not to have children when there are so many already in the world and suffering. Any second thoughts?" And she replied, "Never even the faintest shadow of regret." That has really stayed with me and persuaded the voice to become louder and more concise and specific, now saying only, "Adopt." still resistant, it took an episode of "Friends" (which I rarely watch) to snap me out of my selfish bubble. The last few episodes chronicle Monica and Chandler going through the process of adopting from a girl with an unplanned pregnancy. All this in a matter of days seemed too coincidental to really be on accident. God has not taken away my desire for a baby boy, but He has given me the desire to seek one out through adoption, rather than another pregnancy. I'm still emotional, waving goodbye to ever being pregnant again feels like such a great loss. But the thought of giving a life and a loving family to a baby in need is swiftly replacing that feeling of loss. I still have a lot of thinking to do and a lot of planning and discussion with my husband, but I feel this is the direction God has been pointing me in for awhile, and I've finally come around to the idea. Thanks for reading and may God bless you greatly.
Alyssa
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