Day 25/26: it all sorta melts together...here is a poem

I cried myself to sleep this night
Without the warmth of you by my side
It's been almost a month since we both said farewell
And these 26 days have mostly been hell
You don't realize how much you need someone til they're gone
Or until you spend an entire week waiting anxiously by the phone
The smallest thoughts lead to my worst fears
I haven't cried this much in my 26 years
I miss you more than the tide misses the shore
That's probably why I'm always coming back for more
I sit and dream about the next time I'll hold you
And can't wait to stare deep into your eyes, so blue
You are my best friend and the love of my life
And I consider myself blessed to be called your wife
But this distance between us really tears me up
Like I'm still breathing, but I can't get enough
A soldier's wife has to be strong and brave
But only others like her know what she gave
It's not fair that we have to go through this
But I understand, and I know you must do it
You have a job to do and I know you'll do well
And what you're going through is worse, I can tell
But I couldn't be more prepared for this life
And yet I'm still struggling so much with the strife
I can't count the amount of tears that I've shed
If I'd bled as much, I'd surely be dead
Sometimes that's how I feel, being so far away so long
But I know we'll get through this, I can't be wrong
God gives me strength as do the girls, and you
And all our good friends are doing what they can do
It's just nights like these that make it so tough
And I feel for you, all alone, must be rough
So I try not to complain to you at all
And remind myself we'll be together, next fall
Until I see you again, I love you and kiss kiss
And know we're all praying for you, whom we miss
We can't wait to see you and hug you again
And now that's all my heart feels it can say, the end.

Day 21?..Losing count...

So life has kind of taken over and I can't quite keep up with my blog the way I wanted to and I've decided that's ok. Spending quality time with my girls and giving Jayson as much of my time as I can is more important to me. <<big sigh>> Today was a rough one. The morning started out stressful and apparently that was the theme the girls wanted to carry out for the day. But at the same token, they know exactly when I most need them. I definitely had a breakdown into tears tonight and Annabelle came over, took my hands, and just smiled at me. Then when I pulled her into a hug, she didn't pull away, just hugged me back and patted my back so sweetly. God has truly blessed her, and ultimately me, with a big heart. They are both growing so fast and get sweeter everyday. Even when they're trying my patience, they manage to be sweet and cute about it. We all miss Jayson so much but we're holding onto each other as often as possible and that seems to help. And I feel like there is so much that I want to say here but I've just got no energy and my mind goes blank when I try to grasp at thoughts. The only thought I'm able to get ahold of seems to be how much I miss him. I'm really trying to make this blog about the whole experience we're having with the deployment and not focus on the sadness and depression of it but today is just one of those days where I can't seem to stop crying. I will tell you one thing that the girls and I started a little while ago. Every night we turn everything in the house off and say prayers for Jayson. When we finish and say "Amen," we turn on a lantern that we place in our front window as a light to shine for Daddy to see his way back to us.

On another note, I practically gouged my eye out tonight on the corner of a cardboard box so that hurts. Got some fun surprises in the mail for me and the girls and another for dinner which really helped ease my stress (THANKS!!). And I definitely know why my girls are growing so fast, they can put food away like nobody's business. And I'm willing to bet that they could each go through a gallon of milk over the course of three days themselves. They must take after their Daddy.

Aaaaaand as I said, it's really been a long day so I think I'm gonna snuggle up with my Annabelle and try to go to sleep. Goodnight. I LOVE you Jayson!!!

Days 10-14: Trick or Treating, Care Packages, and Children Oh My!

Well, it's been awhile since I've blogged. I've been writing letters during the time I would usually blog, or going to bed earlier than usual because we've been so busy and I've been super exhausted. On Saturday the girls and I went trick-or-treating with the neighbors all around the neighborhood. Annabelle was Tinkerbell and Aurora was a pumpkin. Got TONS of candy and Annabelle had loads of fun. She even said "tick or tweet" at every house and was just generally adorable. Aurora kept herself plenty occupied just babbling along riding in the stroller. Annabelle walked almost the entire way holding hands with either Jen, Christi, or me. Then we had dinner next door and Annabelle got to play with the big kids, and she had a blast. And both girls slept really well that night. On Sunday, we were a little under the weather (actually, I was under the weather) so we stayed in and made craft projects for Daddy all day. We had so much fun, got really messy, and made some really cute things to send to Jayson. And Annabelle has discovered how to use the computer and the mouse. When she types it's still gibberish, but she does click on buttons with the mouse which has proven to be slightly problematic. Monday we just took it easy and played inside most of the day because it was raining. Had a headache (from stress and probably too much candy) all day so that was fun. Then Tuesday was CRAZY. Had an early appointment with the doctor. Went to the PX, then to the bank. Then it was off to wal-mart to get extra things to send to Jayson. And all that was done before noon. I was thoroughly beat by the time we got home from those errands but still had a ton to get done before we could send the packages. So I finished up my letters, his blanket, started baking, and worked on some cards and other fun little things to include. It was pretty cute working on his blanket because the girls kept curling up in it as I was trying to finish it. Annabelle even helped me tie some of the pieces together and Rory did her best to help where she could, just being cute, haha. And then today I finished all the baking I was going to do, made several kinds of cookies and made the Amish friendship bread that Katie gave me a starter to. Got to talk to Jayson and we played inside again because of the rain. I got the packages all done and the girls were taking a nap so I figured we'd take them to the post office when they got up and they woke up at 3:25...the post office here closes at 3:30. So we'll be taking them tomorrow, better late than never. With all the writing and painting and crafting and everything I've been doing the past few days, I'm pretty tapped for creativity so I think I'll stop this blog here. More tomorrow, God bless all. :) I love you and miss you Jayson!!!